Nuzzle & Sizzle

An Introduction

Nuzzle and Sizzle are a talking dog and cat. In order not to arouse the suspicion of the foolish humans that surround them they only speak with each other. When the humans are around they just bark, howl, meow or purr. Fortunately for us Nuz and Siz (as they are known to those who know them well) haven't yet figured out what a television camera is; every weekday afternoon their subversive conversations are intercepted and broadcasted by PBS to viewers everywhere. Locally they run from 2:00pm to 2:30. In order to enjoy your Nuz & Siz party, however, you must filter out the humans. This requires an VCR. Simply set the VCR to record the entire half hour, and leave. When the entire show is recorded you view the tape, fast forwarding through everything that doesn't show Nuz or Siz. Here are some sample pictures so you may know what to expect:

Some Photographic Evidence

(Photo of Nuzzle)
Nuzzle, the dog.

(Photo of Sizzle)
Sizzle, the cat.

(Photo of Nuzzle reading on a couch as Sizzle looks over his shoulder)
The pair in a typical pose; Nuzzle is peacefully reading as Sizzle sneaks peeks over his shoulder. Usually Nuz or Siz will begin speaking within ten seconds of such a setup.


An Example Script

Here's what transpired within seconds of the above photograph:

Sizzle continues staring over Nuzzle's shoulder. Twice Nuzzle grunts, fidgets and hides the catalog in a failed effort to get Sizzle to bug off. It doesn't work and Sizzle's curiosity pushes her to speak

Sizzle: What is that?

Nuzzle:

Hello Sizzle. This is the L. L. Bean Dogalog of stuff for dog.

Sizzle:

A Dogalog?

Nuzzle:

Umm Hmm.
(and he continues browsing through it)

Sizzle:

Nuzzle, that's a catalog.

Nuzzle:

Nope nope nope. See, a book of cat stuff is a catalog. This is a dogalog, see, because I'm a dog. Get it?
(laughs at his own joke)

Sizzle:

Yeah yeah, I get it Nuz, I get it.

Sizzle looks more closely and notices something

Sizzle:

Oh, what have you got circled here?

Nuzzle:

(in an annoyed tone)
Sizzle.

Sizzle:

(reading the description from the dogalog)
"The AutoMutt ®. Our finest automatic dog feeder."
Are you actually thinking about buying this thing?

Nuzzle:

(in a hyper-frantic way only dogs can imitate)
I'm not thinking at all, Siz, I'm getting it! I sent away for it last week and it's arriving today!

And Another

Here's what the dynamic duo can do when they're really in gear:

Nuzzle enters dressed as a beatnik in a black beret, small dark glasses, a grey sweater and a walkman. He glides along the back of a sofa on which Sizzle is cleaning herself as he recites poetry.

Nuzzle:

Praise me baby
For there was
A farmer
Had a dog
And Nuzzle
Was his name---Whoa!
(Nuzzle falls off the end of the sofa.)

Sizzle:

Nuzzle, are you ok?

Nuzzle:

I'm like gone, Sizzle. This is my new scene. I'm a crazy hip cat and I dig it the most.

Sizzle:

You're a what? A hip cat? Oh I think not. A hip dog maybe but---

Nuzzle:

Heeeeeeey. A dog can be a hip cat and a cat can be a hip cat. If you're hip, you're a cat,
(Nuzzle pauses and thinks twice about the next word, but says it anyway)
Man.

A Rumor Nipped in the Bud

Some rabble-rousing muckrakers have more than hinted that Nuzzle and Sizzle are puppets controlled by humans in a television studio somewhere deep in the City of Los Angeles. They point to what they claim are occasionally visible "sticks" attached to the pair's wrists, and say that these are the means by which the "puppets" are "controlled". They put great significance in the "fact" that no one has ever seen either animal's hind end. They also maintain that, unlike a "real" domesticated animal, whose instinct for gulping food has not been abated by the comfortable, mush-ready-to-eat lifestyle in which it finds itself, neither Nuzzle nor Sizzle has ever actually gone as far as swallowing the treats they "pretend to eat". These ne'er-do-wells play back feeding frenzy scenes in slow motion, count the number of doggie biscuits scooped up by Nuzzle's protuberous snout, subtract the number of biscuits that fall from the sides of that same snout, and declare that there is a suspicious conservation of doggie biscuits principle** at work. To all this I have only one thing to say: "Don't believe everything you see on TV, you suckers. Nuzzle and Sizzle are as real as your evening news or a certain BabeWatch babe's breasts."



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** Doggie biscuits are neither created nor destroyed. Heck, they don't even get eaten.